It happens.
When I got the promotion, there was a question over whether I was "professional" enough. Turns out I wasn't.
Mostly, I think professional means "able to behave (and look) in a way considered appropriate for this environment". A lot of people can do that. I couldn't.
I laughed too loud. I was too emotional. When I wore suits, they never fit right, so I always looked like I was a toddler playing dress-up.
I should have left long before I did but I ignored the facts, too enamored of decent healthcare and more money than I'd ever made.
In the end that decision was bad for all of us: me, my office mates, my husband, my family, and my friends.
When each of my friends found out I'd left, even though they knew we'd be struggling financially, they were happy for me.
The stress had changed me and not for the better.
I was stressed because I should have left and didn't. It hadn't worked for me for a long time and instead of admitting what to everyone else was obvious, I fought and fought trying to make it work.
"Better the devil you know than the devil you don't" maybe.
Maybe it was fear and shame to admit what, to me, was failure.
This was the path everyone was supposed to follow. The proverbial "good job". The place I applied to for a year just to get in the door so I would have a future.
This is that future.
Spoiler alert! It doesn't end the way you expect!
One of my responsibilities was career counseling. Now I have to take my own advice.
Let's see how that's working out......
It's been a while since I had to do a résumé.
My research for my students told me a few things:
What I struggled with:
Conclusions:
Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. They may search social media for me anyway.
I try to read enough Wired magazine to keep my personal media personal, but it's really complicated and this digital immigrant can only stand so much.
One thing I always told my students was to network while they were in school because they never knew where their next opportunity would come from, but landing a career path was way more about WHO you knew, not WHAT you knew.
Unfortunately most of my network is in higher education and I have left that field.
I do plan to reach out to some colleagues to see if they know of other opportunities and to some people I've met in my adventures to see what I can stir up.
I tried to go to a Job Fair thinking I would be much better in person than on paper (or video as it turns out...). Funny thing, you wait in line to speak to someone who tells you to apply generically online.
I also posted my unemployment status on Facebook for my friends and on LinkedIn so recruiters could find me.
This has actually led to one possible opportunity which is something to look forward to.
I would recommend my students practice their interviews with our career staff, us, their friends, family, just practice talking the talk.
I didn't realize how many places had gone to initial video interviews from which they would pick in-person candidates.
Here's the the thing: My old Galaxy S8 that I'm using still has a phone message of me saying, "Welcome to my new smart phone!"
This is why I have issues with video interviews. My voice doesn't sound at all to me what it sounds like on recordings and it bugs me.
Even when I do my voice message, I have to write it down, even if it's simple, because when the recording starts, I stumble all over myself.
I've done two video interviews so far. Neither have ended in employment.
One had practice sessions before the real thing. In the practices I did great, but when it came showtime, I clicked for the first question and I had to lean in to read it, then just stammered through the first two or three. I finally got in a groove, but in the end got a nice letter about their great applicant pool that I was no longer swimming in.
I felt like a fool!
The second video was a one-minute long reason why you were perfect for the job! No pressure.
First, as you may have noticed, I'm verbose. This does not work in a one minute video.
I rewrote my pitch about 10 times, timing myself and whittling until I got it to the minute.
Then I spent an inordinate amount of time figuring out why our camera wasn't working (separate from computer), then the sound (finally found the applicable setting).
Then I turned on the camera and decided that my mouth looked lopsided for some reason and spent more time adjusting my lipstick. (I won't be wearing this shade in video interviews anymore. Turns out my mouth scar is more prevalent on camera and dark lipstick adds to the effect.)
After several attempts, I finally got a 1:02 video that I felt could work and ran with that. I was so relieved that the video part was over.
The ad said to send a link to the video. I thought, "That means I have to post it somewhere."
I was not comfortable with this.
I tried to figure it out on a website, then googled how to do private videos on YouTube which is what I did.
I guess there was a better way, but I didn't know it and didn't want a public post, which may become more of an issue. I have no frame of reference to compare this to. I'm in new territory.
Of course, one of my old-school interviews didn't go so well, either.
First, I decided to walk. I was in walking distance, but maybe not to an interview on a warm day in dress shoes.
Next, Google Maps took me past where someone, possibly more than one someone, had just peed and the stench of urine was almost retching.
When I got there, there was a room of people and I was one of the oldest 3.
The woman came to get me and sat me on a couch in her office, then proceeded to sit in her chair behind her desk with the desk and another chair between us.
The interview began and at one point I got up and moved toward the empty chair. "If you don't mind," I said, "I'll just sit here, a little closer to you." As my butt nears the seat, she says, "Well, we don't have people sit in it because the back is broken and we don't want anyone to get hurt."
I sit on the edge and don't lean back. "I'm just going to sit right on the edge here and I promise not to lean back."
We finish and she says to be by my phone Monday afternoon. I am. She ghosts me.
I start to wonder what I'm going to do if all the interviews are this awkward.
I start to wonder if it's all just me. Things seem super complicated and so far removed from us as people.
My friend facilitates a meeting for me with a friend of hers who makes me feel like the laziest person in the world because he's done so much! He's the same age as me, but is amazing and successful. I marvel at him. He's all the things I'm not.
We just....have a conversation. About opportunities he has there, sure, but also about other things, about everything.
It's one of the best conversations I've had all year.
Even if I never work with him, and I really hope I get to, he restored my faith in humans running businesses. It can be different. He's doing it. It's working.
Suddenly, I wasn't a stumbling , uncomfortable misfit. I was educated and knowledgeable and, I hope, well spoken. It felt good.
I'm still working on confidence after what I at first termed my "Epic Fail" but now realize was just a long piece of a journey that now continues.
I never knew how depressing job searching was these days.
It's bad enough for me, a child of the slow-moving 70's but at today's breakneck speed, every online application that disappears unanswered into the ether is a testament to what we've built and why people feel so left out of it.
It's hard to bear the burden of finances, your family's expectations and the path that is supposed to work for financial financial freedom, but destroys you.
I felt like I'd wasted 20 years. Over days and months I've realized that I needed to heal. To claim some of what I'd lost and learn from all that had happened, good and bad.
I use Headspace for daily meditations. Totally worth the sanity.
I decided to keep a schedule, so I get up at 5:30 a.m. with my husband and make him breakfast and send him off to work. I start my chores for the day with daily goals for applying, writing, exercising, and sometimes cooking and cleaning.
I try to stay calm and remember that nothing lasts forever and that this too shall pass.
I'm eating better.
I'd tell my students to use their free time to do fun things, too, or something they always wanted to but never had time for. I'm doing some of that, too. I have to.
I'd tell them to care for themselves because it will show to interviewers and to not give up and seek help if they start feeling hopeless.
I used to tell my students to learn all they could, even outside the classroom, and to build their networks by joining clubs, volunteering, and participating in work experiences such as job shadowing, internships, and work study or part time work whenever possible.
I taught myself some Photoshop with YouTube videos and plan to do some volunteer work.
I'm revamping a closed Etsy shop, but things have changed a lot over there so it's a stiff learning curve!
I also plan to learn more about QuickBooks.
It's my hope to cultivate a new network that's based around my personal preferences and not so much on my place of my employment. I think getting involved will help me find a place to land.
Until then, maybe I can help someone and that in turn will keep me going on my own journey.
I don't stay positive. Sometimes I cry. But I cultivate positivity by appreciating what I do have, taking better care of myself, and renewing my relationship with my husband.
I overthink everything and drive myself crazy, but am working on going with the flow and bringing more peace to my life.
My friend, who is a mental health counselor, advised me to think of the worse thing that could happen and the likelihood that it would and use that as a place to start letting go.
It's hard for me to do that, but one of the things I've learned is that I have to. What happened, happened. I have to learn from it, because I did make mistakes, but they don't define me and I have been learning from my experiences and continue to do so.
I guess that's one lesson I missed out on teaching my students:
Sometimes you won't get the job and dealing with rejection is something we all have to do. I wish I had given them more tools for coping with that.
Well, yes, and, no.
The tools and advice I did give my students have given me actions I can take to address the situation. In that way, I feel I did a lot to help my students.
However, I wasn't prepared for how much my own lack of employment would impact me mentally.
The ups and downs of interviews, or lack thereof, and the impersonal nature of a fully online, automated system that's pretty consistent across businesses, is very difficult to process when you're waiting for something to happen and the clock is ticking on your finances.
I do wish I had given them more tools for that aspect of job searching, so in that way, no, the advice I gave wasn't adequate to the situation.
Now I know.